John Quill
John Quill was clerk to Robert Shark, a legal man was he,
As dull, obscure, and technical as legal man could be;
And, perch’d before his legal desk, Quill learnt the legal rules
That give high principles to all who sit upon high stools!
John Quill with skill could doubt distil where all before was clear,
One would suppose that he was born with a pen behind his ear!
Though merely clerk to Robert Shark, so great was his address,
That many really thought J. Q. as knowing as R. S.
John Quill, however small the job, huge drafts of deeds could draw,
A puzzle quite to common sense, according to the law;
With vulgar, vile tautology to indicate his skill,
He did “enlarge, prolong, extend, and add unto” the bill
And thus he did “possess, obtain, get, have, hold, and enjoy”
The confidence of Robert Shark, who called him worthy Boy.
Birds of a feather were the pair, the aim of both their breasts
To pluck all others, plume themselves, and feather their own nests.
But ’tis a theme too dark for jest; oh! let him who embarks
Upon the troubled waters of the Law—beware of Sharks;
And such my dread of legal Quills, I readily confess
That Quills of “fretful porcupine” would terrify me less.
When poor men seek a legal Friend, the truth the Fable tells,
The Lawyer eats the oyster up, the Client has the shells;
And could the shells be pounded to a palatable dinner,
The legal Friend would swallow that, and Clients might grow thinner.
From Weeds of Witchery, by Thomas Haynes Bayly
London: Ackerman and Co., 1837
Available on the Internet Archive: Link
This is one in a series of neglected poems taken from the Internet Archive.